kiki_eng: text: "i ate ALL your bees" (Black Books) ("I ate all your bees.")
[personal profile] kiki_eng
Let me tell you about my adventures in watching Christmas films by Hallmark and other studios producing similar work. I feel like I am checking off a vanilla square for kink bingo with this, but no, that is not the case, this, I do, because it is [community profile] snowflake_challenge time, and today's challenge is to create a fanwork, and my mind is a bit fried now and the level of mental activity I feel up to is about Hallmark movie. Oh, yes, there is no Love Actually in this list, there is no Die Hard. None of those, only partially because I hate the first and haven't gotten around to the second yet. Today, today is the day of the pure, the simple, roughly hour and a half romcom, covered in fake snow and glitter.

It's January, you say, I don't need this in my life, you say, too bad. It's happening, you don't have to stay, but you'll be missing out if you do: it's gonna be magical.

Number One, kicking it old school: On the 2nd Day of Christmas. You know who's in this film? Who the romantic hero is? No less than motherfucking Mark Ruffalo, circa 1997. Aw yiss, baby faced Mark Ruffalo, playing a department store security guard, that most revered of occupations. In super sketch romcom logic he ends up taking a criminal home for Christmas, because charging her on Christmas eve would be un-Christmas like, and detaining her in handcuffs until Boxing Day isn't some weird-ass kidnapping-adjacent shit. They bicker, which is fabulous and the whole thing is this tropey explosion (kid fic! fake dating!) that I ended up emailing about in capslocked wonder, liveblog-fashion, to an SGA friend, because guess who else is in this glorious piece of cinema history: David Hewlett. David Hewlett is the villain; he's got a fabulous costume with red velvet or something and fur and fake facial hair. Would reccomend.

Number Two: A Princess for Christmas, starring Katie McGrath of Merlin sporting an American accent, the cover art looks like some posh British version of Labyrinth. It's not, that's not the movie, the movie isn't even it's title, I don't know what they were doing. It feels like a depressing mid-West Christmas version of The Princess Diaries with siblings. There are two kids in this thing, their dad got Black-style removed from the royal family tapestry when he married their mum and now they're both dead for some reason and their aunt, Katie McGrath who works in an antique shop, is their guardian and things are going kinda shitty for her because she's single-parenting and she didn't plan for this shit and we open on her having a bad day. They end up getting invited to Christmas at grandfather's castle and she goes for the escape and then there are cliches and romance. Katie McGrath is very pretty; it was a good time for me.

Number Three - another I would like to be a princess, thanks film: A Royal Christmas. "Prince Leopold, heir to the throne of Cordinia, wishes to marry his young love Emily Taylor, a humble seamstress from Philadelphia. But Leopold's mother, Queen Isadora has other plans for her son." a humble seamstress from Philadelphia - gold. So, yep, she's just a modest girl of the people with an unusually accurate last name and her prospective mother-in-law hates her with the power of a thousand suns and acts like a child in an attempt to get rid of her and there's something about her wanting to be a fashion designer and true love conquers all, eventually. If you watched number two and could have made it through without caring about Katie McGrath, you're fine, this'll do ye.

That's it. I'm done. I feel this has already gone too far downhill. I don't even particularly like Christmas. It is nearly as far from being Christmas as it can possibly be, depending on how you measure it. No more!

I am sort of under the impression that Hallmark makes roughly a dozen of these films per year, so if you do decide this is your jam, you are so set. Have fun.

(no subject)

Date: 2016-01-05 04:25 am (UTC)
ceitfianna: (paper butterfly)
From: [personal profile] ceitfianna
I remember watching the Ruffalo one, possibly when it came out and I loved how grumpy he was. He gave this vibe of what movie did I sign on for and that evened out with the treacleness of the plot.

(no subject)

Date: 2016-01-05 05:09 am (UTC)
lucifuge5: (Atia Grin)
From: [personal profile] lucifuge5
Oh, the Ruffalo film sounds so bad I kinda want to watch it. I can imagine how grumpy he must have looked throughout the entire movie. LOL LOL LOL!

If you want to see Ruffalo as a hottie in an actual movie that won't kill your brain cells, might I suggest In the Cut? It stars Meg Ryan playing it v. v. dark and Ruffalo's a detective who might be the villain. It was the first movie where I noticed Ruffalo, so I'll say I'm tad biased. Also, I haven't seen it since it premiered about 12 years ago. #BUTSTILL

Princessy stuff + Christmas sounds like a marshmallow cake: full of fluff and not appetizing after the first hour.

Really great post, btw. I LOL'd a lot.

So I went back to watch In The Cut...

Date: 2016-01-06 07:30 pm (UTC)
lucifuge5: (Kissy face!Gee)
From: [personal profile] lucifuge5
Grumpy!Ruffalo is something I find tremendously endearing. *hands*

[...]setting it on a farm and going Ambience! Horses! Somehow they fall in love, IDK! The kiss is happening fifteen minutes before the end no matter how believable this thing is.

Oh, gods, I've sat through so many of those really bad montages. Especially for movies that aired in the ABC Family (now called Freeform<---worst name for a network ever!) back in the early 2000s.

Mind you, I actually like montages. When done well, a montage gets you excited about whatever is going to happen next. A bad montage (particularly those that are so blatant in their manipulation) is like biting on a burnt popcorn kernel.

BTW, I rented In the Cut yesterday and I gotta say that you might want to lower your expectations a tad. It's very slow and shot in an artsy kinda way (the director's Jane Campion). Also, Ruffalo's characters (a somewhat cynical NYPD detective) is very bro-ish. He says a couple of things that made me cringe (a homophobic slur and a racist one) and made it harder for me to root for him. OTOH, his partner is even worse (he's the kind of male character that has AVOID AT ALL COSTS stamped all over him). OTOOH, I kinda like that Ruffalo is into pleasuring Meg Ryan (she comes across as a little confused at times. Like, she sorta was expecting to be in a romcom?)

In the end, this is the kind of movie you watch in a lazy afternoon while you're knitting, painting your nails, etc.

Re: So I went back to watch In The Cut...

Date: 2016-01-06 08:33 pm (UTC)
lucifuge5: (Frank is LOLing)
From: [personal profile] lucifuge5
The worst kind of montage is, like you said, when they gloss over things that would've made a bad movie actually good. :|

Oh, I somehow missed out on watching The Brothers Bloom when it showed at my local movie theater and when it was on Netflix. I knew of it because the director is the same one who did Brick (which is one of my fave neo-noirs). Since I have no idea of when it's going to be added back to Netflix, I think I'm gonna go ahead and rent it.

The other two Ruffalo movies I'm raring to watch are Thank You for Sharing (Ruffalo is a recovering sex-addict who then meets Gweneth Paltrow and sparkage ensues) and Begin Again (Ruffalo is the gruff, on-the-outs music producer who hears Kiera Knightley at an open mic night and decides to help her produce an album. This one is by the director of Once).

Apparently, I have a Mark Ruffalo thing? (who knew?)

(no subject)

Date: 2016-01-05 06:26 pm (UTC)
silveradept: A kodama with a trombone. The trombone is playing music, even though it is held in a rest position (Default)
From: [personal profile] silveradept
I believe I've seen both two and three all the way through, and their artificial sweetness had me worried about cavities. But they're fun fluff, and yes, Katie McGrath is easy on the eyes.

(no subject)

Date: 2016-01-08 08:39 pm (UTC)
meridian_rose: pen on letter background  with text  saying 'writer' (Default)
From: [personal profile] meridian_rose
I have seen the McGrath one and now I want to see the Ruffalo one :)

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