Jan. 4th, 2016

kiki_eng: text: "i ate ALL your bees" (Black Books) ("I ate all your bees.")
Let me tell you about my adventures in watching Christmas films by Hallmark and other studios producing similar work. I feel like I am checking off a vanilla square for kink bingo with this, but no, that is not the case, this, I do, because it is [community profile] snowflake_challenge time, and today's challenge is to create a fanwork, and my mind is a bit fried now and the level of mental activity I feel up to is about Hallmark movie. Oh, yes, there is no Love Actually in this list, there is no Die Hard. None of those, only partially because I hate the first and haven't gotten around to the second yet. Today, today is the day of the pure, the simple, roughly hour and a half romcom, covered in fake snow and glitter.

It's January, you say, I don't need this in my life, you say, too bad. It's happening, you don't have to stay, but you'll be missing out if you do: it's gonna be magical.

Number One, kicking it old school: On the 2nd Day of Christmas. You know who's in this film? Who the romantic hero is? No less than motherfucking Mark Ruffalo, circa 1997. Aw yiss, baby faced Mark Ruffalo, playing a department store security guard, that most revered of occupations. In super sketch romcom logic he ends up taking a criminal home for Christmas, because charging her on Christmas eve would be un-Christmas like, and detaining her in handcuffs until Boxing Day isn't some weird-ass kidnapping-adjacent shit. They bicker, which is fabulous and the whole thing is this tropey explosion (kid fic! fake dating!) that I ended up emailing about in capslocked wonder, liveblog-fashion, to an SGA friend, because guess who else is in this glorious piece of cinema history: David Hewlett. David Hewlett is the villain; he's got a fabulous costume with red velvet or something and fur and fake facial hair. Would reccomend.

Number Two: A Princess for Christmas, starring Katie McGrath of Merlin sporting an American accent, the cover art looks like some posh British version of Labyrinth. It's not, that's not the movie, the movie isn't even it's title, I don't know what they were doing. It feels like a depressing mid-West Christmas version of The Princess Diaries with siblings. There are two kids in this thing, their dad got Black-style removed from the royal family tapestry when he married their mum and now they're both dead for some reason and their aunt, Katie McGrath who works in an antique shop, is their guardian and things are going kinda shitty for her because she's single-parenting and she didn't plan for this shit and we open on her having a bad day. They end up getting invited to Christmas at grandfather's castle and she goes for the escape and then there are cliches and romance. Katie McGrath is very pretty; it was a good time for me.

Number Three - another I would like to be a princess, thanks film: A Royal Christmas. "Prince Leopold, heir to the throne of Cordinia, wishes to marry his young love Emily Taylor, a humble seamstress from Philadelphia. But Leopold's mother, Queen Isadora has other plans for her son." a humble seamstress from Philadelphia - gold. So, yep, she's just a modest girl of the people with an unusually accurate last name and her prospective mother-in-law hates her with the power of a thousand suns and acts like a child in an attempt to get rid of her and there's something about her wanting to be a fashion designer and true love conquers all, eventually. If you watched number two and could have made it through without caring about Katie McGrath, you're fine, this'll do ye.

That's it. I'm done. I feel this has already gone too far downhill. I don't even particularly like Christmas. It is nearly as far from being Christmas as it can possibly be, depending on how you measure it. No more!

I am sort of under the impression that Hallmark makes roughly a dozen of these films per year, so if you do decide this is your jam, you are so set. Have fun.


kiki_eng: two bats investigating plants against the night sky (Default)

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